Certified analysis of triangular structural failure. Every review is official. Every review ends the same way.
The Bureau of Triangular Food Physics exists to subject unsupported pizza slices to gravitational testing and certify the resulting flop state using instruments only the Bureau can see.
Every certification generates its own Case Number, its own Flop Angle, Cheese Tensile Index, Crust Rigidity Classification, and Predicted Time to Catastrophic Slide reading, and its own permanent entry in the specimen's declining confidence history.
Each review measures Flop Angle, Cheese Tensile Index, Crust Rigidity Classification, and Predicted Time to Catastrophic Slide, regardless of how the specimen was actually held, what it is actually topped with, or whether triangular food can be meaningfully tested at all.
All readings are generated within severities the Bureau considers scientifically unimpeachable. There is no protractor. There is no Bureau.
Every specimen begins at full confidence. Every certification lowers it. This is not measurement error. This is the entire measurement.
Confidence has never gone back up during a single recorded review, and the Bureau does not fund research into why.
Specimens may be reviewed again by dragging the slice and certifying it once more. The Bureau will apply exactly the same rigor to the retest as to the original review, which is to say, none.
The Official Pizza Flop Tribunal is provided for entertainment purposes only. No pizza was harmed, dropped, or meaningfully analyzed in the making of any certificate.